The Art of the Deal for dummies (!).

Another day, another Fox News slobber job about Trump. Hannity was apparently too busy staring at himself in the mirror to write this one, so Fox selected Bradley Blakeman to fellate the President.

Last known picture of Bradley Blakeman.

Brad is not what you would call a “deep thinker”—or, for that matter, a “thinker.” He’s more known for pieces like, “Why Does Obama Keep Bowing?” I’m sure, then, that he happily put on the knee pads and tagged in for Hannity.

Agent:  Fox News called. They need someone to write a column fawning over Trump. You in?

Brad: What’s fawning?

Agent: They just want you to write a column saying nice things about Trump.

Brad: What’s a column?

Agent: Jesus. We’ve been through this Brad. Twice. It’s when someone writes a series of words about a topic.

Brad: What’s fawning?

Agent:  Fuck this. I quit.

Anyway, Brad’s column is titled, “Want to understand Trump? It’s as simple as ‘The Art of the Deal’ for dummies.” Yeah. Read that again. “The Art of the Deal for dummies”?  For. Dummies. Wasn’t the original version intended for dummies? Isn’t dumbing down The Art of the Deal like trying to create cliff notes for a coloring book? I mean, come on.

But, if anyone can dumb down The Art of the Deal, I guess it’s the guy who cracked the great mystery of Why Obama Keeps Bowing?

Let’s see where Brad goes with this.

Continue reading “The Art of the Deal for dummies (!).”

The “center-right country” myth and smoldering dog shit.

Douglas Schoen wrote a Fox News column dispensing unsolicited advice to Democrats about Douglas-Schoen-sanctioned ways to oppose President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy. Never heard of Douglas Schoen? Really? Well, you should have. He’s sort of a big deal. According to his biography, he’s “widely recognized as one of the co-inventors of overnight polling.” Whoa. Yeah. That guy. He’s only a little less famous than the guy who is widely recognized as being one of the first to put weather forecasts online.

The article’s general theme is that Democrats must start shimmying farther to the right to take on Trump. The premise to his argument, as is always the premise to arguments like these, is that this is a center-right country. This premise, however, is a giant, smoldering pile of dog shit.

In case you’re more of a visual person, here you go:

(That’s not dog shit? Oh, really? Really? It would take a dog the size of Neptune to create that much shit, you say? Yeah. I know that. Thank you. YOU find an online picture of a large pile of smoldering dog shit and then you can re-write this fucking column.)

Clears throat.

Now, let’s take a look at the column and get to the bottom of this center-right nonsense:

Continue reading “The “center-right country” myth and smoldering dog shit.”

Is Trump about to deport Melania?

There has been a lot of speculation concerning why Melania plans to stay in NYC rather than move into the White House with The Donald. I always thought the answer was obvious: she can’t fucking stand him. You know. Because of his personality. And his looks.

But something occurred to me the other day while reading a story about sanctuary cities. What if Melania fears that President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy wants to deport her and she doesn’t want to leave NYC because it’s a sanctuary city?

Crazy, you say? Maybe. Maybe. Or maybe not. Let’s review the evidence. Continue reading “Is Trump about to deport Melania?”

Sean Hannity: part-time constitutional scholar and full-time presidential fluffer

We’ve all been patiently waiting. Hours. Days. Weeks. And now it’s finally here. Sean Hannity—part-time constitutional scholar and full-time presidential fluffer—has written a column explaining the moral and legal justification of Trump’s executive order. I don’t want to ruin it for you. But I will: it’s vapid and misleading and offensive. Continue reading “Sean Hannity: part-time constitutional scholar and full-time presidential fluffer”

Forrest Trump—Tear down this so-called wall, so we can make a bigger one!

Bill O’Reilly interviewed President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy yesterday. It was the standard Trump interview. Lots of insane things were said, like Trump’s claim that the United States is full of killers, which makes us no better than Putin. (?) Trump also repeated that he was against the war in Iraq from the beginning. Which is like when I told people in college that I had lost my virginity in high school. #alternativefacts

Anyway, Trump also briefly discussed the wall he wants to build along our border with Mexico. And that got me thinking. What if Trump had given Reagan’s famous, “Tear down this wall speech”? Continue reading “Forrest Trump—Tear down this so-called wall, so we can make a bigger one!”

“But he picked Mike Pence.”

Trump spoke during the National Prayer Breakfast. Trump mostly proselytized about his own personal lord and savior, himself. The speech was rambling and disgusting and self-indulgent. But, on the bright side, he didn’t grab anyone’s genitals. I count that as a win.

Let’s go to the tape . . . Continue reading ““But he picked Mike Pence.””