Forrest Trump—the Gettysburg Address

Trump gave a short speech at the White House to celebrate Black History month—or, as he calls it, “Inner City Month.” He gave the speech surrounded by literally every single black person he knows, except for Kanye.

A rare color photograph of Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

Now, I can’t say I’m an expert on Black History Month. Or presidential speeches. But I’m confident that Trump’s speech was the worst fucking speech ever given to kick off Black History Month. The worst. Remember that speech he gave to the CIA? The one where he whined like a toddler about the media in front of the CIA Memorial Wall? Where he told us to “trust” him because he’s “like a smart person”? Yeah, that one was better. And I was fucking embarrassed to be human after I read that one. This one left me feeling like a large asteroid hitting the earth would let us off too light. It would be disrespectful to the dinosaurs. We deserve worse.

Why was it so bad?  Because other than babbling on about irrelevant things; naming every single black person he knows (except for Kanye); and implying that Frederick Douglass is still alive, Trump spent most of the time talking about himself and whining about the press. Seriously. No, I’m fucking serious.

The portion of his speech about MLK perhaps best captures the speech’s tone. This is what he said about MLK:

Last month, we celebrated the life of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., whose incredible example is unique in American history. You read all about Dr. Martin Luther King a week ago when somebody said I took the statue out of my office. It turned out that that was fake news. Fake news. The statue is cherished, it’s one of the favorite things in the—and we have some good ones. We have Lincoln, and we have Jefferson, and we have Dr. Martin Luther King. But they said the statue, the bust of Martin Luther King, was taken out of the office. And it was never even touched. So I think it was a disgrace, but that’s the way the press is. Very unfortunate.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. He couldn’t focus on MLK for more than a single sentence—one fucking sentence!—before he had to talk about himself and his childish feud with the media. Even Kanye read that and thought Trump came across as too self-absorbed.

I’m not going to ridicule the rest of the speech because I don’t have the mental energy to read it more than once. I’d prefer to spend my time fantasizing about that asteroid hitting the earth.

But, as I ponder my fiery demise, it does occur to me that we actually used to have presidents who could focus on things other than themselves and give great speeches. And that got me thinking. What if Trump had given those speeches? What would he have said? What if, for example, Trump had given the Gettysburg address?




A long, long time ago the founders—great guys, the founders! A lot of people compare us. The founders and me. They are very, very, very special people. All stars. They were tired of foreigners taking their jobs. They didn’t want to pay British taxes. They wanted their own borders. So they started America. Made it great. You know, liberty. Even the inner cities had liberty. Nobody had more liberty than us. Really, nobody. All men were equal. Women were equal too—women love me by the way, grab them by the pussies and they love it, they love it—they were sort of equal too.

Now, these losers are trying to break away from the Union. Very unfortunate. Don’t respect borders. They couldn’t beat me fair and square. I got so many votes during the 1860 election. Really beat Breckinridge badly. Some people say it was the greatest presidential election ever. But they lost. They lost badly. And now they want to breakup America. Some people died here. That’s a shame. Some of them probably voted for me. Some of them didn’t. That’s okay. That’s okay. They’re dead.

So, to honor me, you really shouldn’t keep fighting. It’s over, you know? Right? I don’t care what the media says. I won the election. Huge, huge turnout. Something like 95%. Huge. Big numbers, okay? We’ve never seen turnout like this. So, nobody will remember these losers who died here. Some heroes, but mostly losers. But they will remember my words. It’s because I have the best words. The best! Ask anybody. To honor me, and the election, stop. Stop killing each other. Okay? It’s done. It’s done.

If there is a God, please let that asteroid strike soon.

-Fred (@bleakblog)