“But he picked Mike Pence.”

Trump spoke during the National Prayer Breakfast. Trump mostly proselytized about his own personal lord and savior, himself. The speech was rambling and disgusting and self-indulgent. But, on the bright side, he didn’t grab anyone’s genitals. I count that as a win.

Let’s go to the tape . . .

TRUMP: Thank you, Mark. So nice.

Mark, be honest. Did your top choice cancel ? Having Trump give a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast makes as much sense as having Pence lead a gay orgy.

(For your viewing pleasure, I planned to find a funny image to place here. But pro tip: do NOT type in “Pence gay orgy” in Google images unless you’re into seeing someone with a Mike Pence mask penetrate another man. If you are, no judgment. Really. I just hadn’t seen a dick that far up someone’s ass since Trump’s last interview with Hannity. I think he hit spleen.)

Thank you very much, it’s a great honor to be here this morning. And so many faith leaders — very, very important people to me — from across our magnificent nation, and so many leaders from all across the globe. Today we continue a tradition begun by President Eisenhower some 64 years ago.

This gathering is a testament to the power of faith and is one of the great customs of our nation. And I hope to be here seven more times with you.

Here’s the thing. Either you’re going to be impeached or we’re all going to die in a giant nuclear holocaust. Either way, you aint doing this seven more times. It’s frankly a miracle that you’ve made it this far.

We have a lot of very distinguished guests. And we have one guest who was just sworn in last night, Rex Tillerson, secretary of state.


Gonna do a great job.


Some people didn’t like Rex because he actually got along with leaders of the world. I said, no, you have to understand that’s a good thing. That’s a good thing, not a bad thing.

Tillerson was opposed because he’s a moral coward and a corporate tool. No one opposed him because he “got along with” others.

And who actually thinks getting along with world leaders is a bad thing? Oh, that’s right. You. I could do a montage of tweets in which you demonstrated your inability to get along with world leaders. But I won’t.

I also want to thank my great friends the Roma. Where’s Roma, beautiful Roma Downey, the voice of an angel. She’s got the voice — every time I hear that voice; it’s so beautiful. That — everything is so beautiful about Roma, including her husband because he’s a special, special friend. Mark Burnett for the wonderful introduction.

Did Trump just ask Roma and Mark for a threesome? Mark, was that you with that Pence mask on? If so, respect. Not sure how you fit that thing in your pants. How is that dude’s spleen?

So true, so true. I said to the agent, I’m sorry, the only thing wrong — I actually got on the phone and fired him myself because he said, you don’t want to do it, it’ll never work, it’ll never, ever work, you don’t want to do it. I said, listen. When I really fired him after it became the number one show, it became so successful and he wanted a commission and he didn’t want to this.

I’ve read this three times. I have no fucking clue what he means. None. It appears that the two brain cells in his head are duking it out for supremacy, Gollum style.


That’s when I really said — but we had tremendous success on The Apprentice. And when I ran for president, I had to leave the show. That’s when I knew for sure that I was doing it. And they hired a big, big movie star, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to take my place. And we know how that turned out.

The ratings went down the tubes. It’s been a total disaster and Mark will never, ever bet against Trump again. And I want to just pray for Arnold if we can, for those ratings, OK?


Keep in mind, this is the fucking National Prayer Breakfast. And he’s having a dick measuring contest with Arnold. Given the size of Trump’s hands, that seems like a particularly poor idea. Just because you are a giant dick does not mean you have a giant dick. (Hat tip, Pulp Fiction.)

TRUMP: I also want to thank my dear friend, Vice President Mike Pence, who has been incredible.


And incredible wife, Karen.

And every time I was in a little trouble with something where they were questioning me, they’d say, “But he picked Mike Pence.”

 LOL. They ripped you like that to your face?

“So he has to know what he’s doing.”

That’s not what they meant. They literally meant the opposite of that.

And it’s true, he’s been — you know on the scale of zero to 10, I rate him a 12, OK?

But perhaps Pence can bump that 12 a little higher during the swimsuit portion of the evening?

But most importantly, today I wanna thank the American people.

40% of the American people want you impeached. The remaining 60% just really, really enjoy watching you publicly humiliate yourself.

Your faith and prayers have sustained me and inspired me through some very, very tough times.

Like all of those times the press was really, really mean to you and America had to give you your binky?

All around America, I have met amazing people whose words of worship and encouragement have been a constant source of strength.

What I hear most often as I travel the country are five words that never, ever fail to touch my heart . . .

“Can I piss on you?”

. . . “I am praying for you.” I hear it so often, I am praying for you, Mr. President.

I was close.

By the way, we also said that we were “praying for you to get impeached.” You just tuned the rest of it out.

Freedom of religion is a sacred right, but it is also a right under threat all around us, and the world is under serious, serious threat in so many different ways.

True. I’ve never seen religious liberty more under siege since you became President.

And I’ve never seen it so much and so openly as since I took the position of president.

Yes. I just said that, except I communicated it using proper English.

I also think you are not quite grasping the concept of “cause and effect.” But, you know, thinking is hard.

(Skipping ahead to the good part of the speech.)

Thank you, God bless you and God bless America. Thank you very much. Thank you.


I am praying for you, Mr. President. I am praying that you get impeached.