The Art of the Deal for dummies (!).

Another day, another Fox News slobber job about Trump. Hannity was apparently too busy staring at himself in the mirror to write this one, so Fox selected Bradley Blakeman to fellate the President.

Last known picture of Bradley Blakeman.

Brad is not what you would call a “deep thinker”—or, for that matter, a “thinker.” He’s more known for pieces like, “Why Does Obama Keep Bowing?” I’m sure, then, that he happily put on the knee pads and tagged in for Hannity.

Agent:  Fox News called. They need someone to write a column fawning over Trump. You in?

Brad: What’s fawning?

Agent: They just want you to write a column saying nice things about Trump.

Brad: What’s a column?

Agent: Jesus. We’ve been through this Brad. Twice. It’s when someone writes a series of words about a topic.

Brad: What’s fawning?

Agent:  Fuck this. I quit.

Anyway, Brad’s column is titled, “Want to understand Trump? It’s as simple as ‘The Art of the Deal’ for dummies.” Yeah. Read that again. “The Art of the Deal for dummies”?  For. Dummies. Wasn’t the original version intended for dummies? Isn’t dumbing down The Art of the Deal like trying to create cliff notes for a coloring book? I mean, come on.

But, if anyone can dumb down The Art of the Deal, I guess it’s the guy who cracked the great mystery of Why Obama Keeps Bowing?

Let’s see where Brad goes with this.

People are constantly asking me – “What makes the president tick?”

Are people really constantly asking you that, Brad? I doubt it.

For what it’s worth, my guess is that Trump’s desperate, childlike need for praise makes him tick.

How did I do?

 I reply – “The answer to your question is right under your nose. Read the ‘Art of the Deal.’”

I can’t imagine gaining insight into Trump by reading a trite book that he falsely takes credit for writing that does little more than spit out clichés.

Oh. Yeah. Now that I wrote that out, I see.

You have my attention Brad. Maybe you’re onto something.

If people who are struggling to understand Donald J. Trump just took the time to do their due diligence, they would realize that there is a method to his professional life. There are principles he adheres to and protocols he follows.

Oh, sweet pea. Trump has principles in the same way that you have writing talent.

Look, there’s no coherent “method” to Trump’s madness. None. Sometimes success comes because of luck and randomness, not because of hard work and merit. In the real world, the cream doesn’t always rise to the top. Shit floats too.  And, in the real world, sometimes the Joker defeats Batman. (Especially when the FBI director is doing what he can to undermine Batman and Batman is a flawed candidate who shouldn’t have been the nominee to begin with and the citizens of Gotham don’t care that the Joker is a race-baiting misogynist.)

Anyway, in case you missed it, my point is this: Trump is the floater in America’s toilet bowl.

You were saying Brad?

Here are some deal points that will tell you what you can expect from President Trump:

Chapter 1: “A Week in the Life” – In 1987, he liked flexibility in his schedule. He wrote that he cannot be “imaginative or entrepreneurial if you have too much structure.”

Lack of structure in your life is great if your job requires lots of creative thinking. It’s less great if your job requires you to lead a large organization.

Guess which one is more like being the President of the United States?

He loves the phone and the ability to touch as many as 50-100 people a day.

President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy touched 50 to 100 people a day? Oh, God.

In addition, he likes brief meetings and can manage as many as 12 per day averaging about 10-15 minutes per meeting.

How is his inability to focus for more than 10 or 15 minutes a good thing?

Interviewer: So, what makes you a good fit to lead our organization.

Fred: I lose focus after about 15 minutes and need to do something else.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

So, to sum up Trump’s qualifications so far: He can’t work in structured environments. He’s a serial molester. And he has a short attention span.

Give that man the nuclear codes!

His typical business day officially starts at 9 am and ends at 6:30 pm.

Golf clap

Congratulations. He worked only slightly fewer hours than a law firm associate.

He rarely stops work for a formal lunch.

And on those rare occasions when he does have a formal lunch, he only sometimes makes his servants feed him by hand!

But it’s great that he only “rarely” does what 98% of working Americans “never” do.

And, when he retires to his residence he continues to make calls well into the evening.

Yeah, well, I dick around on the internet well into the evening too, but you don’t see me bragging about it.

There were no “tweets” in 1987 when he published his book so we can assume phone calls at that time took the place of them[.]

???

A tweet was like a phone call in 1987? I don’t know where to begin.

Breath.

Breath.

Okay.

Brad must not understand what it means to call someone on the phone. Or what Twitter is. I mean.

I can’t.

I can’t.

No. Just no.

NO!

Let’s just move on.

Chapter 2: “The Elements of the Deal” – Trump aims high. He will keep pushing and pushing to get what he is after.

He will settle on less but only if he feels that is what it will take to close the deal. And, when a deal is closed, he will always claim he got the best of the deal.

So, Trump aims high, fails, and then claims he succeeded. Yeah, fair. That pretty much sums up the first month of his presidency.

What other nuggets of truth can we find in Chapter 2?

 Deal-making is an ability you are born with.

Sort of like the ability to be born with a rich, well-connected father?

 It is not about how smart a person is,

 Yeah, that has been made painfully obvious to us.

 it is about their gut instincts and a person’s ability to act on them successfully.

Read this twice. Still don’t know what it means.

But my gut instincts tell me to stop reading this article.

-Fred

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