Forrest Trump—the Gettysburg Address

Trump gave a short speech at the White House to celebrate Black History month—or, as he calls it, “Inner City Month.” He gave the speech surrounded by literally every single black person he knows, except for Kanye.

A rare color photograph of Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

Now, I can’t say I’m an expert on Black History Month. Or presidential speeches. But I’m confident that Trump’s speech was the worst fucking speech ever given to kick off Black History Month. The worst. Remember that speech he gave to the CIA? The one where he whined like a toddler about the media in front of the CIA Memorial Wall? Where he told us to “trust” him because he’s “like a smart person”? Yeah, that one was better. And I was fucking embarrassed to be human after I read that one. This one left me feeling like a large asteroid hitting the earth would let us off too light. It would be disrespectful to the dinosaurs. We deserve worse.

Continue reading “Forrest Trump—the Gettysburg Address”

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“I mean, you’re going to have to ask him, but I think he likes me.”

The other day, Trump was interviewed by his fluffer, Sean Hannity. Well, calling this an “interview” is like calling Trump University a “university.” Basically, Hannity slobbered all over Trump for an hour and asked hard-hitting questions like, “how many people help tuck away your orange cock at night, and can I be one of them?”

To the tape . . .

SEAN HANNITY, FOX NEWS: Mr. President good to see you.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Thank you.

HANNITY: What a week this has been.

TRUMP: It’s been a great week. We have accomplished a lot.

Yeah, great week. Perhaps the highlight was when Trump, on Holocaust Remembrance Day, enacted what is in effect a partial ban on Muslims entering the United States, including Muslim children fleeing war and contractors that protected U.S. troops. Nothing says “remember the Holocaust” like targeting a religion for discrimination.

Not everyone has been happy about Trump’s plan. In fact, even some well-known giant dicks have been critical. Take Mike “Boner Killer” Pence:

Ha ha! Just kidding. That was from all the way back in 2015. He’s totally cool with it now. If only children fleeing violence in Syria were still fetuses, Mike Pence might give a shit about them.

In any event, I will concede that the ban does have solid biblical support. For example, Mathew 25:35 states: “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in . . . unless I wasn’t Christian. Then you told me to fuck off.” I guess upholding Christian values just feels right for a thrice married libertine with a penchant for piss parties.

Trump also said he was going to prioritize Christian refugees. So, basically, Muslims honest enough not to lie to a U.S. consular officer about their religion will be barred from coming into the United States; those willing to lie and claim they’re Christian, however, can come on in!

Consular officer:    Welcome to U.S. Immigration! Just a few questions!

Muslim terrorist:    Sure. Fire away.

Consular officer:    Have you accepted Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior?

Muslim terrorist:    Totally.

Consular officer:    You’re in!

If Republican politicians can pretend to be Christian, why can’t terrorists?

Anyway, my point is this: fuck you Trump. And, Hannity, I hope you brush your teeth after you swallow.

 

#resist

HANNITY: … [T]he thing that really stood out to me is you seem to be enjoying yourself and very focused on all the promises you made in the campaign. Is it your intention to keep every promise?

LOL. Oh, Sean. Sweet, sweet Sean. You still got something on your chin.

TRUMP: Well, I’m going to keep as many as I can.

Translation: no.

HANNITY: How important is a balanced budget to you? And were you surprised Republicans before you got here raised the debt ceiling $9.7 trillion?

In other words, are you going to keep your campaign promise of balancing the budget?

TRUMP: So a balanced budget is fine. But sometimes, you have to fuel the well (ph) in order to really get the economy going. And we have to take care of our military. Our military is more important to me than a balanced budget because we’ll get there with a balanced budget.

Answer? No. Got it.

But, to be fair, wells need fuel, you know?

TRUMP: But we have a military that’s really depleted. And I’m negotiating the price of airplanes, can you believe this? But I understand airplanes.  I’ve bought a lot of airplanes.

I doubt you “understand” airplanes, mostly because you lack basic comprehension skills. Also, to use a technical term, you’re a “fucking moron.”

The military is also not “really depleted.” It’s not even “depleted.”

Let me put this in words you can perhaps follow. Our military is huge. The biggest. Our military is the biggest, most powerful military in the history of the world. It’s so powerful that it could grab the world by the pussy and the world wouldn’t complain.

 

(Skipping way ahead to the portion of the interview where Trump starts discussing his speech to the CIA.)

TRUMP: When you do an interview, you say, You know, I did great or I didn’t do so good. I gave a speech [to the CIA] that really was a 10, relatively speaking.

Relative to what? The time you made fun of a disabled reporter?

During your speech, you stood in front of the CIA memorial wall and complained that the media had underreported the crowd at your inauguration speech. I’m going to say this was one of those that you “didn’t do so good.”

HANNITY: I know you talked a little bit about this, the nuclear codes.  How long was that meeting? How in depth was it?

I strongly suspect Hannity asked this while fully erect.

Trump notices and winks.

Anyway, a moment of silent reflection about the fact that Trump—Donald Trump—has the nuclear codes. There’s no joke to be made here. It’s genuinely terrifying.

 

 

TRUMP: Well, I don’t go into it. I can tell you, though, that’s serious stuff and when you see the kind of destruction that’s explained to you, you realize that getting along with people is a very good thing.

So, to be clear, someone needed to explain to Trump the sort of destruction a nuclear warhead can do? Is this real life?

Also most of us learn to play nice with others when we are three. But I guess that lesson is hard to absorb when you are a sociopath.

HANNITY: I was surprised — my last question for you. I was surprised last night. I was watching your interview and you were holding up the letter that Barack Obama had — had left you.

TRUMP: Right.

HANNITY: It seemed like a lengthy letter.

TRUMP: It was.

HANNITY: And you seemed to have a personal rapport with him. And you were right, this was a really, really incredibly vicious campaign.

TRUMP: What amazed me is that I was vicious to him in statements, he was vicious to me in statements, and here we are getting along, we’re riding up Pennsylvania Avenue talking, we don’t even mention it. I guess that’s the world of politics. But I was tough on him, he was tough on me. And I like him, he likes me. I think he likes me. I mean, you’re going to have to ask him, but I think he likes me.

No, I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re a dick.

 

-fred

“That speech was a home run.”

President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy had a lengthy interview with David Muir of ABC. Remember how happy you were when you saw Richard Spencer get punched in the face? This was like the opposite of that.

DAVID MUIR: Mr. President, it’s an honor to be here at the White House.

When I was a kid, I really liked pop tarts. I also really liked cheddar cheese. One day I decided that it would be a good idea to put a block of cheddar cheese between two frosting-crusted pop tarts and toast it. It was not a good idea. It was a bad idea. Like, a very bad idea. What I pulled out of the toaster oven smelled like burnt vomit wrapped in sugar. To this day, that smell haunts me: whenever I see a pop tart, I still feel like I am going to forcefully eject my soul from my stomach.

That’s how I feel when I see Trump referred to as “Mr. President.”

DAVID MUIR: Are you going to direct U.S. funds to pay for this wall? Will American taxpayers pay for the wall?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ultimately it’ll come out of what’s happening with Mexico. We’re gonna be starting those negotiations relatively soon. And we will be in a form reimbursed by Mexico which I will say …

DAVID MUIR: So, they’ll pay us back?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Yeah, absolutely, 100 percent.

The only thing more fucking absurd than building a fucking wall across the entire fucking southern border—a giant, ugly monument to our xenophobia—is fucking believing that Mexico will fucking pay for it. It’s the cheddar cheese pop tart of ideas.

But please, Mr. President, tell us more.

Starting to violently retch.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: All it is, is we’ll be reimbursed at a later date from whatever transaction we make from Mexico. Now, I could wait a year and I could hold off the wall. But I wanna build the wall. We have to build the wall. We have to stop drugs from pouring in. We have to stop people from just pouring into our country. We have no idea where they’re from. And I campaigned on the wall. And it’s very important. But that wall will cost us nothing.

Swallowing vomit.

So, to be clear, we need to build a wall to stop people from pouring in from Mexico because we don’t know “where they’re from”? I think we have a pretty good idea where most of them are from. They’re from Mexico. But if we really don’t know where they are from, why are we making Mexico pay for the wall?

DAVID MUIR: I wanna ask you about something you said this week right here at the White House. You brought in congressional leaders to the White House. You spoke at length about the presidential election with them — telling them that you lost the popular vote because of millions of illegal votes, 3 to 5 million illegal votes. That would be the biggest electoral fraud in American history. Where is the evidence of that?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: So, let me tell you first of all, it was so misrepresented. That was supposed to be a confidential meeting. And you weren’t supposed to go out and talk to the press as soon as you — but the Democrats viewed it not as a confidential meeting.

Sometimes I think Trump just verbalizes the dialogue that goes on in his head, like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

Also, relatedly, there is an uncanny resemblance between them, although Gollum looks less like a sex offender:

(Trump is the one on the right.)

What if Gollum and Trump had a kid?

Also, fun fact, if you google “Gollum” and “Trump,” one of the first images that comes up is this:

I’m always a sucker for a “shit on Trump’s head” meme.

Anyway. Trump’s interview.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: [I]t was supposed to be a confidential meeting. They turned it into not a con… Number two, the conversation lasted for about a minute. They made it — somebody said it was, like, 25 percent of the … It wasn’t. It was hardly even discussed.

I said it. And I said it strongly because what’s going on with voter fraud is horrible. That’s number one. Number two, I would’ve won the popular vote if I was campaigning for the popular vote. I would’ve gone to California where I didn’t go at all. I would’ve gone to New York where I didn’t campaign at all.

Not to get all mathy, but you had two number twos. (I feel like there’s a shit toupee joke in there somewhere?)

Also, you went to California to campaign. Like a lot. Like a lot lot. Like a lot lot lot. (I could go on. But you get the point.) Also, you went to New York—10 times after the Republican National Convention alone. But who’s counting, you piece of Toupee shit. (Yeah, I know. That didn’t work. But I’m too lazy to delete it. Deal with it.) So, no, you would not have won the popular vote by campaiging in California and New York. But perhaps if you would have spent more time in Russia? (Oh, snap.)

It does warm my little heart that Trump gets so worked up over the fact that he lost the popular vote.

Also, it’s terrifying that he’s so insecure about being liked that he’d rather cast doubt on the integrity of our democracy than admit he lost the popular vote. Wrap your mind around that sickness.

DAVID MUIR: What you have presented so far has been debunked. It’s been called …

(OVERTALK)

DAVID MUIR: … false.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, it hasn’t. Take a look at the Pew reports.

DAVID MUIR: I called the author of the Pew report last night. And he told me that they found no evidence of voter …

(OVERTALK)

DAVID MUIR: … fraud.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Really? Then why did he write the report?

DAVID MUIR: He said no evidence of voter fraud.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Excuse me, then why did he write the report?

You can read the Pew report for yourself here. You might note that the report is from 2012. And, if my math is correct — and it is — 2012 is BEFORE 2016. It seems unlikely that a report from 2012 could establish fraud that allegedly occurred in 2016. Also, there’s literally nothing in the report that substantiates Trump’s claim. Nothing.

DAVID MUIR: Do you think that that talking about millions of illegal votes is dangerous to this country without presenting the evidence?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, not at all.

. . .

DAVID MUIR: You don’t think it undermines your credibility if there’s no evidence?

(OVERTALK)

PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, not at all because they didn’t come to me. Believe me. Those were Hillary votes. And if you look at it they all voted for Hillary. They all voted for Hillary. They didn’t vote for me. I don’t believe I got one. Okay, these are people that voted for Hillary Clinton. And if they didn’t vote, it would’ve been different in the popular.

So, to be clear, the President of the United States thinks there’s nothing wrong with alleging widespread voter fraud without any evidence.

Barfs chunks of democracy all over the keyboard.

Yeah, we’re fucked people. We’re fucked.

DAVID MUIR: Mr. President, I just have one more question on this. And it’s — it’s bigger picture. You took some heat after your visit to the CIA in front of that hallowed wall, 117 stars — of those lost at the CIA. You talked about other things. But you also talked about crowd size at the inauguration, about the size of your rallies, about covers on Time magazine. And I just wanna ask you when does all of that matter just a little less? When do you let it roll off your back now that you’re the president?

(OVERTALK)

PRESIDENT TRUMP: OK, so I’m glad you asked. So, I went to the CIA, my first step. I have great respect for the people in intelligence and CIA. I’m — I don’t have a lot of respect for, in particular one of the leaders. But that’s okay. But I have a lot of respect for the people in the CIA.

That speech was a home run. That speech, if you look at Fox, OK, I’ll mention you — we see what Fox said. They said it was one of the great speeches. They showed the people applauding and screaming and — and they were all CIA. There was — somebody was asking Sean — “Well, were they Trump people that were put–” we don’t have Trump people. They were CIA people.

This speech. This speech was one of the great speeches? The one where the highlight was you bragging that you’re “like” a smart person? The one where you stood in front of the CIA memorial wall and whined about the media? The one you started off by telling the audience that you would not be discussing your balls? Yeah. No. That was not a great speech, no matter what the Gollum in your head said.

Like I said, we are fucked.

-Fred

“I’m like a smart person.”

A day after reading a prepared speech in which he managed to use a number of big words, Trump gave a speech to the CIA.

Did anyone give him prepared remarks to read this time? Here’s how he began:

Well. I want to thank everybody. Very, very special people. And it is true: this is my first stop. Officially. We’re not talking about the balls, and we’re not talking about even the speeches. Although, they did treat me nicely on that speech yesterday [laughter].

Overuse of adverbs? Check. Lots of incoherent clauses? Yup. Reflect the mind of a narcissist? For sure. Give a warning about “not talking about the balls”? Unfortunately, yes. I’m going to say these are Trump’s own words.

I’m impressed, though, that he didn’t immediately whine about the media.

I wonder what he said next?

Before doing that, I’ll just drink some water. 

I always call them “the dishonest media,” but they treated me nicely.

Imagine being on top of the world. Imagine being on top of the world despite having no discernible skills or abilities. Imagine having an unshakable belief in yourself despite having no discernible skills or abilities. Imagine proving all of your haters wrong. And then imagine, despite all of that, still not being able to let go of your petty disputes. Now imagine prostitutes pissing all over you in a hotel room.

I forget where I was going with this. But I’m sure my point (whatever it was) has been made.

But, I want to say that there is nobody that feels stronger about the Intelligence Community and the CIA than Donald Trump. [applause]. There’s Nobody. Nobody.

Yes, much like there’s nobody “who respects women more.”

And I want to just let you know: I am so behind you. And I know, maybe sometimes, you haven’t gotten the backing that you’ve wanted.

True. Just ten days ago the president called them Nazis. It is hard to get less backing than that.

And you’re going to get so much backing. Maybe you’re going to say “please don’t give us so much backing”. [laughter] “Mr President, please, we don’t need that much backing”.But you’re going to have that. And I think everybody in this room knows it.

Nazis. You fucking called them Nazis. Ten days ago. Nazis.

Also, am I the only one who thought of this classic Office clip:

I am? Okay then.

Moving along.

And then they say: “is Donald Trump an intellectual?” Trust me. I’m like a smart person.

I’d be willing to bet that, in the history of the world, no smart person has ever said, “I’m like a smart person.” (And what does it mean to be “like” a smart person?) I’d also be willing to bet that, in the history of the world, no smart person has ever called Donald Trump “an intellectual,” unless it was followed by a deep, Jabba the Hut like laugh.

Also, to be fair, I clipped that quote from its context. But, to be even more fair, the context does not help.

And the generals are wonderful and the fighting is wonderful. But if you give them the right direction? Boy does the fighting become easier. And boy do we lose so fewer lives, and win so … quickly.

And that’s what we have to do. We have to start winning again.

Isn’t taking military advice from a draft dodger like taking job advice from someone pursuing a philosophy degree? What possible insight could Trump have about military strategy? He has no military training and, by his own admission, he’s (at best!) “like” a smart person.

And [the media] sort of made it sound like I had a feud with the Intelligence Community. And I just want to let you know, the reason you’re the number 1 stop is exactly the opposite. Exactly. And they understand that too.

I wonder why the media would make it sound like that?

Oh, that’s right. YOU COMPARED THEM TO NAZIS.

And I turn on [my TV], with my steak … and I get this network shows an empty field. And it said we drew 250,000 people.

Now that’s not bad. But it’s a lie. We had 250,000 people literally around, you know, the little bowl that we constructed. That was 250,000 people. The rest of the 20 block area all the way back to the Washington Monument was packed.

I know she said I had a small penis. But it was a huge penis. I poked her eye out when she walked through the door. It was that big. #alternativefacts

Am I doing this right?

-Fred

Point/counter-point

Point

Don’t protest following an election::

Counter-point

Protest following an election:

Also, if the popular vote loser wins the election, not only should you protest, there should be a revolution:

He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012

 

Herpes

Time heals all wounds. But not herpes. And Trump—now officially president—will be the open sore on our nation’s collective genitals for the next four years. And there is no political Valtrex to help.

To sooth my genital pain, I had planned to write a post ridiculing Trump’s inauguration speech. You know, the speech he wrote in his really, really ugly bathroom:

But when I read his remarks—you can read them yourself here—it became clear that he didn’t actually write any of them. The address did contain his trademark half-truths, empty promises, and hypocritical claims. He also made enough nationalistic references to make lady liberty blush. But the tone of the speech felt off. Very off. He expressed his insane jingoism through the use of multisyllable words. He said “crucial” and “enriched” and “carnage.” And not once did he whine about the media, stroke his own ego, or insult someone. He actually sounded like an adult—albeit an angry, delusional one.

Because Trump didn’t actually write his speech, I won’t bother to ridicule him for what he said. That means I won’t, for example, point out the absurdity of his statement that there’s “no room for prejudice . . . when you open your heart to patriotism.” (Hitler and Stalin’s hearts were full of patriotism, and they managed to squeeze in quite a bit of prejudice.) No, I’ll let that slide, at least for today. Instead, I’ll leave you with this inspirational picture:

-Fred