The Art of the Deal for dummies (!).

Another day, another Fox News slobber job about Trump. Hannity was apparently too busy staring at himself in the mirror to write this one, so Fox selected Bradley Blakeman to fellate the President.

Last known picture of Bradley Blakeman.

Brad is not what you would call a “deep thinker”—or, for that matter, a “thinker.” He’s more known for pieces like, “Why Does Obama Keep Bowing?” I’m sure, then, that he happily put on the knee pads and tagged in for Hannity.

Agent:  Fox News called. They need someone to write a column fawning over Trump. You in?

Brad: What’s fawning?

Agent: They just want you to write a column saying nice things about Trump.

Brad: What’s a column?

Agent: Jesus. We’ve been through this Brad. Twice. It’s when someone writes a series of words about a topic.

Brad: What’s fawning?

Agent:  Fuck this. I quit.

Anyway, Brad’s column is titled, “Want to understand Trump? It’s as simple as ‘The Art of the Deal’ for dummies.” Yeah. Read that again. “The Art of the Deal for dummies”?  For. Dummies. Wasn’t the original version intended for dummies? Isn’t dumbing down The Art of the Deal like trying to create cliff notes for a coloring book? I mean, come on.

But, if anyone can dumb down The Art of the Deal, I guess it’s the guy who cracked the great mystery of Why Obama Keeps Bowing?

Let’s see where Brad goes with this.

Continue reading “The Art of the Deal for dummies (!).”


The “center-right country” myth and smoldering dog shit.

Douglas Schoen wrote a Fox News column dispensing unsolicited advice to Democrats about Douglas-Schoen-sanctioned ways to oppose President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy. Never heard of Douglas Schoen? Really? Well, you should have. He’s sort of a big deal. According to his biography, he’s “widely recognized as one of the co-inventors of overnight polling.” Whoa. Yeah. That guy. He’s only a little less famous than the guy who is widely recognized as being one of the first to put weather forecasts online.

The article’s general theme is that Democrats must start shimmying farther to the right to take on Trump. The premise to his argument, as is always the premise to arguments like these, is that this is a center-right country. This premise, however, is a giant, smoldering pile of dog shit.

In case you’re more of a visual person, here you go:

(That’s not dog shit? Oh, really? Really? It would take a dog the size of Neptune to create that much shit, you say? Yeah. I know that. Thank you. YOU find an online picture of a large pile of smoldering dog shit and then you can re-write this fucking column.)

Clears throat.

Now, let’s take a look at the column and get to the bottom of this center-right nonsense:

Continue reading “The “center-right country” myth and smoldering dog shit.”

“That speech was a home run.”

President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy had a lengthy interview with David Muir of ABC. Remember how happy you were when you saw Richard Spencer get punched in the face? This was like the opposite of that.

DAVID MUIR: Mr. President, it’s an honor to be here at the White House.

When I was a kid, I really liked pop tarts. I also really liked cheddar cheese. One day I decided that it would be a good idea to put a block of cheddar cheese between two frosting-crusted pop tarts and toast it. It was not a good idea. It was a bad idea. Like, a very bad idea. What I pulled out of the toaster oven smelled like burnt vomit wrapped in sugar. To this day, that smell haunts me: whenever I see a pop tart, I still feel like I am going to forcefully eject my soul from my stomach.

That’s how I feel when I see Trump referred to as “Mr. President.”

DAVID MUIR: Are you going to direct U.S. funds to pay for this wall? Will American taxpayers pay for the wall?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ultimately it’ll come out of what’s happening with Mexico. We’re gonna be starting those negotiations relatively soon. And we will be in a form reimbursed by Mexico which I will say …

DAVID MUIR: So, they’ll pay us back?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Yeah, absolutely, 100 percent.

The only thing more fucking absurd than building a fucking wall across the entire fucking southern border—a giant, ugly monument to our xenophobia—is fucking believing that Mexico will fucking pay for it. It’s the cheddar cheese pop tart of ideas.

But please, Mr. President, tell us more.

Starting to violently retch.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: All it is, is we’ll be reimbursed at a later date from whatever transaction we make from Mexico. Now, I could wait a year and I could hold off the wall. But I wanna build the wall. We have to build the wall. We have to stop drugs from pouring in. We have to stop people from just pouring into our country. We have no idea where they’re from. And I campaigned on the wall. And it’s very important. But that wall will cost us nothing.

Swallowing vomit.

So, to be clear, we need to build a wall to stop people from pouring in from Mexico because we don’t know “where they’re from”? I think we have a pretty good idea where most of them are from. They’re from Mexico. But if we really don’t know where they are from, why are we making Mexico pay for the wall?

DAVID MUIR: I wanna ask you about something you said this week right here at the White House. You brought in congressional leaders to the White House. You spoke at length about the presidential election with them — telling them that you lost the popular vote because of millions of illegal votes, 3 to 5 million illegal votes. That would be the biggest electoral fraud in American history. Where is the evidence of that?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: So, let me tell you first of all, it was so misrepresented. That was supposed to be a confidential meeting. And you weren’t supposed to go out and talk to the press as soon as you — but the Democrats viewed it not as a confidential meeting.

Sometimes I think Trump just verbalizes the dialogue that goes on in his head, like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

Also, relatedly, there is an uncanny resemblance between them, although Gollum looks less like a sex offender:

(Trump is the one on the right.)

What if Gollum and Trump had a kid?

Also, fun fact, if you google “Gollum” and “Trump,” one of the first images that comes up is this:

I’m always a sucker for a “shit on Trump’s head” meme.

Anyway. Trump’s interview.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: [I]t was supposed to be a confidential meeting. They turned it into not a con… Number two, the conversation lasted for about a minute. They made it — somebody said it was, like, 25 percent of the … It wasn’t. It was hardly even discussed.

I said it. And I said it strongly because what’s going on with voter fraud is horrible. That’s number one. Number two, I would’ve won the popular vote if I was campaigning for the popular vote. I would’ve gone to California where I didn’t go at all. I would’ve gone to New York where I didn’t campaign at all.

Not to get all mathy, but you had two number twos. (I feel like there’s a shit toupee joke in there somewhere?)

Also, you went to California to campaign. Like a lot. Like a lot lot. Like a lot lot lot. (I could go on. But you get the point.) Also, you went to New York—10 times after the Republican National Convention alone. But who’s counting, you piece of Toupee shit. (Yeah, I know. That didn’t work. But I’m too lazy to delete it. Deal with it.) So, no, you would not have won the popular vote by campaiging in California and New York. But perhaps if you would have spent more time in Russia? (Oh, snap.)

It does warm my little heart that Trump gets so worked up over the fact that he lost the popular vote.

Also, it’s terrifying that he’s so insecure about being liked that he’d rather cast doubt on the integrity of our democracy than admit he lost the popular vote. Wrap your mind around that sickness.

DAVID MUIR: What you have presented so far has been debunked. It’s been called …


DAVID MUIR: … false.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, it hasn’t. Take a look at the Pew reports.

DAVID MUIR: I called the author of the Pew report last night. And he told me that they found no evidence of voter …


DAVID MUIR: … fraud.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Really? Then why did he write the report?

DAVID MUIR: He said no evidence of voter fraud.

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Excuse me, then why did he write the report?

You can read the Pew report for yourself here. You might note that the report is from 2012. And, if my math is correct — and it is — 2012 is BEFORE 2016. It seems unlikely that a report from 2012 could establish fraud that allegedly occurred in 2016. Also, there’s literally nothing in the report that substantiates Trump’s claim. Nothing.

DAVID MUIR: Do you think that that talking about millions of illegal votes is dangerous to this country without presenting the evidence?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, not at all.

. . .

DAVID MUIR: You don’t think it undermines your credibility if there’s no evidence?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: No, not at all because they didn’t come to me. Believe me. Those were Hillary votes. And if you look at it they all voted for Hillary. They all voted for Hillary. They didn’t vote for me. I don’t believe I got one. Okay, these are people that voted for Hillary Clinton. And if they didn’t vote, it would’ve been different in the popular.

So, to be clear, the President of the United States thinks there’s nothing wrong with alleging widespread voter fraud without any evidence.

Barfs chunks of democracy all over the keyboard.

Yeah, we’re fucked people. We’re fucked.

DAVID MUIR: Mr. President, I just have one more question on this. And it’s — it’s bigger picture. You took some heat after your visit to the CIA in front of that hallowed wall, 117 stars — of those lost at the CIA. You talked about other things. But you also talked about crowd size at the inauguration, about the size of your rallies, about covers on Time magazine. And I just wanna ask you when does all of that matter just a little less? When do you let it roll off your back now that you’re the president?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: OK, so I’m glad you asked. So, I went to the CIA, my first step. I have great respect for the people in intelligence and CIA. I’m — I don’t have a lot of respect for, in particular one of the leaders. But that’s okay. But I have a lot of respect for the people in the CIA.

That speech was a home run. That speech, if you look at Fox, OK, I’ll mention you — we see what Fox said. They said it was one of the great speeches. They showed the people applauding and screaming and — and they were all CIA. There was — somebody was asking Sean — “Well, were they Trump people that were put–” we don’t have Trump people. They were CIA people.

This speech. This speech was one of the great speeches? The one where the highlight was you bragging that you’re “like” a smart person? The one where you stood in front of the CIA memorial wall and whined about the media? The one you started off by telling the audience that you would not be discussing your balls? Yeah. No. That was not a great speech, no matter what the Gollum in your head said.

Like I said, we are fucked.