We’ve all been patiently waiting. Hours. Days. Weeks. And now it’s finally here. Sean Hannity—part-time constitutional scholar and full-time presidential fluffer—has written a column explaining the moral and legal justification of Trump’s executive order. I don’t want to ruin it for you. But I will: it’s vapid and misleading and offensive. Continue reading “Sean Hannity: part-time constitutional scholar and full-time presidential fluffer”
The other day, Trump was interviewed by his fluffer, Sean Hannity. Well, calling this an “interview” is like calling Trump University a “university.” Basically, Hannity slobbered all over Trump for an hour and asked hard-hitting questions like, “how many people help tuck away your orange cock at night, and can I be one of them?”
To the tape . . .
SEAN HANNITY, FOX NEWS: Mr. President good to see you.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Thank you.
HANNITY: What a week this has been.
TRUMP: It’s been a great week. We have accomplished a lot.
Yeah, great week. Perhaps the highlight was when Trump, on Holocaust Remembrance Day, enacted what is in effect a partial ban on Muslims entering the United States, including Muslim children fleeing war and contractors that protected U.S. troops. Nothing says “remember the Holocaust” like targeting a religion for discrimination.
Not everyone has been happy about Trump’s plan. In fact, even some well-known giant dicks have been critical. Take Mike “Boner Killer” Pence:
Ha ha! Just kidding. That was from all the way back in 2015. He’s totally cool with it now. If only children fleeing violence in Syria were still fetuses, Mike Pence might give a shit about them.
In any event, I will concede that the ban does have solid biblical support. For example, Mathew 25:35 states: “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in . . . unless I wasn’t Christian. Then you told me to fuck off.” I guess upholding Christian values just feels right for a thrice married libertine with a penchant for piss parties.
Trump also said he was going to prioritize Christian refugees. So, basically, Muslims honest enough not to lie to a U.S. consular officer about their religion will be barred from coming into the United States; those willing to lie and claim they’re Christian, however, can come on in!
Consular officer: Welcome to U.S. Immigration! Just a few questions!
Muslim terrorist: Sure. Fire away.
Consular officer: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior?
Muslim terrorist: Totally.
Consular officer: You’re in!
If Republican politicians can pretend to be Christian, why can’t terrorists?
Anyway, my point is this: fuck you Trump. And, Hannity, I hope you brush your teeth after you swallow.
HANNITY: … [T]he thing that really stood out to me is you seem to be enjoying yourself and very focused on all the promises you made in the campaign. Is it your intention to keep every promise?
LOL. Oh, Sean. Sweet, sweet Sean. You still got something on your chin.
TRUMP: Well, I’m going to keep as many as I can.
HANNITY: How important is a balanced budget to you? And were you surprised Republicans before you got here raised the debt ceiling $9.7 trillion?
In other words, are you going to keep your campaign promise of balancing the budget?
TRUMP: So a balanced budget is fine. But sometimes, you have to fuel the well (ph) in order to really get the economy going. And we have to take care of our military. Our military is more important to me than a balanced budget because we’ll get there with a balanced budget.
Answer? No. Got it.
But, to be fair, wells need fuel, you know?
TRUMP: But we have a military that’s really depleted. And I’m negotiating the price of airplanes, can you believe this? But I understand airplanes. I’ve bought a lot of airplanes.
I doubt you “understand” airplanes, mostly because you lack basic comprehension skills. Also, to use a technical term, you’re a “fucking moron.”
The military is also not “really depleted.” It’s not even “depleted.”
Let me put this in words you can perhaps follow. Our military is huge. The biggest. Our military is the biggest, most powerful military in the history of the world. It’s so powerful that it could grab the world by the pussy and the world wouldn’t complain.
(Skipping way ahead to the portion of the interview where Trump starts discussing his speech to the CIA.)
TRUMP: When you do an interview, you say, You know, I did great or I didn’t do so good. I gave a speech [to the CIA] that really was a 10, relatively speaking.
Relative to what? The time you made fun of a disabled reporter?
During your speech, you stood in front of the CIA memorial wall and complained that the media had underreported the crowd at your inauguration speech. I’m going to say this was one of those that you “didn’t do so good.”
HANNITY: I know you talked a little bit about this, the nuclear codes. How long was that meeting? How in depth was it?
I strongly suspect Hannity asked this while fully erect.
Trump notices and winks.
Anyway, a moment of silent reflection about the fact that Trump—Donald Trump—has the nuclear codes. There’s no joke to be made here. It’s genuinely terrifying.
TRUMP: Well, I don’t go into it. I can tell you, though, that’s serious stuff and when you see the kind of destruction that’s explained to you, you realize that getting along with people is a very good thing.
So, to be clear, someone needed to explain to Trump the sort of destruction a nuclear warhead can do? Is this real life?
Also most of us learn to play nice with others when we are three. But I guess that lesson is hard to absorb when you are a sociopath.
HANNITY: I was surprised — my last question for you. I was surprised last night. I was watching your interview and you were holding up the letter that Barack Obama had — had left you.
HANNITY: It seemed like a lengthy letter.
TRUMP: It was.
HANNITY: And you seemed to have a personal rapport with him. And you were right, this was a really, really incredibly vicious campaign.
TRUMP: What amazed me is that I was vicious to him in statements, he was vicious to me in statements, and here we are getting along, we’re riding up Pennsylvania Avenue talking, we don’t even mention it. I guess that’s the world of politics. But I was tough on him, he was tough on me. And I like him, he likes me. I think he likes me. I mean, you’re going to have to ask him, but I think he likes me.
No, I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re a dick.