Is Trump about to deport Melania?

There has been a lot of speculation concerning why Melania plans to stay in NYC rather than move into the White House with The Donald. I always thought the answer was obvious: she can’t fucking stand him. You know. Because of his personality. And his looks.

But something occurred to me the other day while reading a story about sanctuary cities. What if Melania fears that President Grab-Her-By-The-Pussy wants to deport her and she doesn’t want to leave NYC because it’s a sanctuary city?

Crazy, you say? Maybe. Maybe. Or maybe not. Let’s review the evidence. Continue reading “Is Trump about to deport Melania?”

“But he picked Mike Pence.”

Trump spoke during the National Prayer Breakfast. Trump mostly proselytized about his own personal lord and savior, himself. The speech was rambling and disgusting and self-indulgent. But, on the bright side, he didn’t grab anyone’s genitals. I count that as a win.

Let’s go to the tape . . . Continue reading ““But he picked Mike Pence.””

“I start off trusting both”

The Times of London interviewed Trump. It was sad and depressing and scary.

The interview focused on foreign affairs, the type of affair with which Trump has the least familiarity. The interview merely highlighted Trump’s stupidity and shallowness. I don’t think he’s capable of having a sophisticated thought. Perhaps his toupee is strangling his brain. I don’t know. But what I do know is that he never manages to say anything that makes you think he’s a sentient being

Take his response to a question about why he thought “Brexit happened.” Here’s how he begins his response:

People don’t want to have other people coming in and destroying their country and you know in this country we’re gonna go very strong borders from the day I get in. One of the first orders I’m gonna sign – day one – which I will consider to be Monday as opposed to Friday or Saturday. Right? I mean my day one is gonna be Monday because I don’t want to be signing and get it mixed up with lots of celebration, but one of the first orders we’re gonna be signing is gonna be strong borders.

He literally couldn’t finish the first sentence of his response without veering off, like a shopping cart with a busted wheel. And it’s not like he redirected the conversation to a safer topic. Instead, he changed the topic to his confession that he would get confused if he celebrated and signed his name on a document on a single day. Signing your name. And celebrating. In a 24-hour period. Too confusing.

The rest of the interview was equally insightful. For example, he was asked “do you trust the European currency?” You would think a business person has something coherent to say about this topic. But you would be wrong. Very, very wrong:

Well, it’s doing OK. I mean, you know. What do you trust? I trust the dollar, I’m gonna trust the dollar a lot more in four years than I do now, but sure I mean it’s a currency, it’s fine. But I do think keeping it together is not gonna be as easy as a lot of people think. And I think this, if refugees keep pouring into different part of Europe. I think it’s gonna be very hard to keep it together cause people are angry about it.

And that’s it. That’s his entire response. What does any of that even mean? A drunk infant could provide more insight.

He couldn’t even answer simple questions, like “How is being president going to change how you operate?” Think of the millions of ways his life will be different now that he’s president.

Just take a moment.

You’ve now put more thought into how Trump’s life will change than he has. Because this is his response:

Ya know this is a very, very big change — I led a very nice life and ya know successful and good and nice and this is a lot different — but ya know my attitude on that is when you’re president, you’re in the White House which is a very special place — you’re there for a limited period of time — who wants to leave? Like I’ve liked President Obama, he’s been very nice, yeah he’s been nice one on one, but maybe not so nice in other ways — but who wants to leave the White House to go to some other place and be away on a vacation? The White House is very special, there’s so much work to be done, I’m not gonna be leaving much — I mean a lot of work to be done — I’m gonna be in there working, doing what I’m supposed to be doing — but who wants to leave the White House?

???????

It’s like he’s having a stroke in slow motion. He can’t complete a single sentence in which the beginning and end of the sentence concern the same thing.

Apart from generally sounding like an ignorant buffoon, it wouldn’t be a Trump interview if he didn’t say something that was insane. And this interview was no exception. When asked who he trusted more Merkel or Putin, Trump did not say, “obviously the one who didn’t attempt to interfere in our nation’s election,” even though that is the only conceivable correct answer. Instead, he said:

Well, I start off trusting both — but let’s see how long that lasts. It may not last long at all.

In other words, despite the fact that Trump acknowledges that Putin likely attempted to influence the presidential election, he trusts Putin, just like he trusts Merkel. What more does Putin need to do to prove to Trump that he shouldn’t be trusted?

It also wouldn’t be a Trump interview if he didn’t find time to dispute that he had hired prostitutes to urinate on him in a hotel bed:

When I just heard it — I ripped up the mat . . . if I did that in a hotel it’d be the biggest thing — they’d have me on the front page of The New York Post, right? And the other thing, I can’t even, I don’t even want to shake hands with people now I hear about this stuff — ugh.

It seems to me the “it couldn’t have happened because it didn’t appear in the newspaper” defense is not particularly compelling.

Cop: I’m here to question you about a murder.

Fred: I didn’t kill anyone, and I’ll prove it.

Fred dramatically pulls out newspaper and slowly scans each page.

Fred: I’M NOWHERE IN HERE

Cop: My apologies.

It’s going to be a long four years.

-Fred

Tinkle facial

Only a day has passed since we learned that Donald Trump might, possibly, could have been involved in an incident involving prostitutes, their urine, and a hotel bed. Part of me hopes it’s true. I’d feel a little better knowing that someone, somewhere pissed on Trump. But most of me hopes it’s not true. Nothing would make me feel better than a false, unsubstantiated rumor clinging to Trump’s presidency like dry, crusted urine clings to my underwear. After all, this is a man who loves spreading unsubstantiated rumors more than he loves prostitutes urinating all over him.  (I’m not saying that Trump loves prostitutes urinating all over him.  But many people have said that he does.)

Trump, of course, has responded to these allegations with the typical calm, measured response that has become his forte. Or not. Definitely not.

This point would look slightly less insane if it weren’t partially in all capital letters. But only slightly.

Is there someone out there who believed that Russia had compiled damaging information about Trump for the purposes of blackmail, but then heard that Russia had denied doing so, and thought, “well, I guess that resolves this.” And does Trump really believe his supporters are that stupid? (Oh. Yeah. Got it.)

He used the word “leak” and the phrase “one last shot at me” just to fuck with us, right? Right? If so, hat tip. Respect.

Setting that aside, the Nazi Germany reference is insane, even for Trump.  No one reflects on Nazi Germany and says, “man, those fucking Nazi intelligence agencies really fucked over their leader. So unfair!” Also, in his analogy, isn’t Trump, Hitler?

You did not win the election easily. You won thanks to a pernicious combination of Russian hacking, our outdated electoral college system, voter-suppression tactics, and James Comey. Prick. (I do appreciate, though, the use of irony quotation marks around “movement.”)

Finally, I don’t get his claim that these stories somehow “belittle” him or his victory.  Even if the most sordid allegations are true, I can’t imagine anyone’s opinion of him changing. This is a person who was literally caught on tape bragging about sexual assault. If people are not bothered by a rapist, they will not be bothered by a sexual deviant who likes the occasional tinkle facial.

-Fred